Anger, paranoia and dishonesty
We are all the same in what we do and how we do it - just in diffirent cycles--so that it look like we are different. I had lots of anger at everything, and used that to not harm but stop me from participating in the shit. Then I had some peace. I shut up and stop all participation, for 2 years totally stopping --just writing-- get it all out and then writing--how would I like it to be, what will work, what is possible, where do I still want control just for me and someone suffers. I used words, any that come due to some event. Then sit down and write about the word --all the dimensions of the word-- what would this word be as a living expression as myself.
And yes, it took time, but I had enough of the mind, which in a way had become my idea of me, so I breathed and stopped, and I wrote books full of stuff, some still valid today, some as a stepping stone to find some sanity in the insanity we call life and the world. Then I planned what to do, see-- I got to the point that I realised that if I do nothing as an expression of myself--who am I? I must express myself--even in the face of conflict--if I mess up--back to the drawing board, write about it and in the writing find a way where it will work for all infinitely.
Yes, this is the process of self with much manure, we may use the manure to assist us in our own selfrealisation and understanding, I always look at who I will be if things change, will I change, If I change because events arround me change, I am still enslaved-- back to writing again.
Look at it--the writing on the forum really assisted you. Look at how the way you placed the words changed as you worked with yourself. See how your starting point has shifted already. It is in the words. We cannot lie to ourselves when we write about ourselves. It is like speaking alloud and doing self forgiveness aloud, speaking or writing all out.